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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 87, Keeerunch!!! I think someone just snapped my abs in half...

I am sooo not looking forward to waking tomorrow.  I do believe I have achieved the world record for the most crunches done in one hour.  I have no one to thank but my demonic, although very sweet, personal trainer, Don.  At least I didn't tell him I hate him today.  I did flip him the bird once, and told him that I was really starting to not like him, but all in all, we're making progress.  I amazed myself today, and didn't whine constantly or fake reps when he wasn't looking.  Maybe I'm getting in shape, or maybe he was just taking it easy on me out of pity.  Wait, I don't think he's capable of pity.  So, it must be me.  YAY!!! I actually returned home from the gym in a good mood.  Something must be wrong with me.  I'm never in a good mood after being beaten down repeatedly by the Beastmaster.  Life is full of wonders, don't you know.

Ok, I'm changing channels now; onto something completely irrelevant.  Have you ever noticed that teenagers on television sound so intelligent?  They use all of these big words, that you never even hear intellectual adults use in conversation.  They certainly don't sound like one single teenager I have ever met; even when I WAS a teenager.  If I ever do find a real teen that talks like they do on TV, I'm called my priest, because the end of the world is near, and I need to go to confession!

So, I must head back to reality now.  It's a short post tonight, but I feel like I've been neglecting my posting duties, so I figured I had to write while I still had the wherewithal to do so.  So, I bid a fond adieu for the day, and wish all of you out in the blogosphere a fabulous night.  I'm sure I'll be sleeping like a baby, until the muscles cramp set in.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 85, Mother Nature is having an identity crisis...

Ok, I really think Mother Nature has officially lost her marbles.  We finally get a break from the heat, we've gone below 100 degrees (YAY!), but she's still being a pain in my arse by sending the hideous humidity with the cooler temperatures (BOO!).  She's cooled us down, but has been pouring on the humidity, like maple syrup on pancakes.  We are not a breakfast food, lady.  Give us a break!  I use the syrup metaphor, because it so closely resembles how I feel when I'm outside... STICKY! Yuck.  I might as well take a bath in syrup at this point.  It can't be any worse than what we've got.

Anywhooooo, so maybe Mother Nature isn't the only one who's lost her marbles.  I still haven't realized just how much I hate working out, until I'm actually working out.  Yesterday, I arrived at my scheduled rendezvous with the Evil Little Troll man thinking, "Okay, I can do this... It's only an hour of my life."
Boy, was I wrong!  I was more wrong than Obama's healthcare plan.

I won't go into details, but I will say this... if I have to choose to do another lunge or to die? I choose death.  My rear end is threatening to strike if I don't give it a break soon.  Thank goodness I only have four sessions left.  If it were any more than that, I might lose the use of EVERY muscle in my body. It feels like I did two thousand lunges yesterday, but I'm sure it was closer to one hundred.  Either way, it hurts.

So, I finally got my new driver's license for Arizona today.  That was fun.  Two hours of waiting for five minutes of actual work.  WTF?  At least I was entertained for a few minutes.  I watched as a man was accosted just outside the exit doors by a man who was trying to recruit people for some sort of work (possibly illegal), because the man who was handing out info didn't want the other man to take a picture of his sign... Hmm, let's see.  Can we maybe go bold and assume that whatever the guy was trying to recruit for wasn't on the up and up, since he had such an issue with the other man taking a picture of his sign?  I'll probably never know, but my mind can certainly come up with some crazy ideas.  You know I'm always good for crazy ideas.  Here's one: If I ever have to stand in such a long line again, I shall possibly put a pillow in my shirt and pretend I'm in labor to get to the front of the line... Food for thought.

So, it's off to dinnerland for me.  I'm not exactly sure what the chef is going to cook, but I'm sure it'll be edible.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 76, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

This should be a pretty boring post today, but I figured it's been a few days, so I'd post anyway.  I finally get my oldest back from my sister today.  Thank goodness, she's my in-home sanity check.  Although, the morning didn't exactly start out drama free, it was pretty minor compared to most days.  The only screaming came from the guinea pig because he had run out of water.  My oldest called me a little freaked out because, although she's flown alone before, she's never had to check in and get herself through security without one of the family going with her.  She's smart, and more than capable, so I'm positive there won't be a problem.  She's just a little anxious about it.  It's amazing to me.  The first time I flew alone, I was so excited to be able to take care of myself, just like a real grown-up.  Of course times were different back then.  None of the craziness that has happened in the past ten years was ever a thought in anyone's mind.  It was only the standard fear of flying that would make plane trip scary to anyone.  Now you have to wonder if the guy sitting next to you has C-4 in his underwear.  I'm pretty sure she won't be worrying about that.  She'll be worrying about being able to find the baggage claim when she lands or how messed up her hair got on the plane.

So, since today started out so quietly, maybe I'll actually get something accomplished!  I know, I'm reaching, but hey, it could happen.  Laundry has to be done sometime, and if I keep avoiding the bathroom, I'll have to move again soon, because it will take on a life of it's own and maybe put a hit out on me.  So, to avoid a mafia hit ordered by my bathroom fixtures, I shall now complete my post and light a fire under my own backside and maybe, just maybe, get something productive done today.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 73, you know it's hot when you have to put deodorant on before going to bed...

Ok, Mr. Heat Wave can kiss my derriere.  He is mean and sadistic, and needs to just move on to somewhere else.  Anywhere but here!  Almost midnight and it's still over 100 degrees.  I might as well have moved to the Sahara Desert. 

It doesn't help that I worked out with the Beastmaster today, whom I will henceforth be calling "the evil little troll."  He always tells me that we have to work until we hit muscle breakdown.  Well, NEWS FLASH, I hit muscle breakdown halfway through our session working on chest and back today.  Did he believe me?  Absolutely not.  When I physically could not push 30 pounds away from my body, he made me do push ups.  Excuse me, what?!?!?  I can't move 30 pounds and you expect me to lift my own body weight at this point?  I called Mr. Heat Wave a sadistic poo-head, but the Evil Little Troll takes the cake on this one.  Luckily, I was able to coax him into something not involving my limp noodle arms, and the rest of the session went swimmingly.  My only problem is the pain I will be feeling in the next couple of days, considering I'm already feeling the pain.  Heck, if it weren't for the fact that my keyboard was in my lap, I wouldn't be able to even type this. 

I'm off to bed, only to regret it in the morning.  I know that it's sleepy time when the pain kicks in the most because I'm not moving, but I'm very seriously considering inventing a machine that moves your sore muscles in your sleep.  Might save me a lot of pain in the future.  Now, if I only had the education that would allow me to build such a machine!

Have a wonderful night.  I'm off to dream about not having pain!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 72, I'm starting to notice a pattern developing here...

Okay, so, I'm thinking that my insomnia is playing a major role in my postings.  It's really the only time I've had lately to even write about my insanity.  I wonder why that is.... Oh yes, now I remember, because there is too much to do, and it certainly doesn't help that I'm a major procrastinator.  I found the cutest saying the other day.  I don't know who it actually came from, so I can't give credit where credit is due; but here it is, "I don't procrastinate, I just like being the last to go first."  If that's not me, I don't know what is.  I am notorious about putting things off until the last minute, or until someone gets mad about me not doing something.  Not exactly sure why I do it.  I really don't think it's laziness, because I usually use my time relatively constructively.  Either way, it is what it is.

It's nearly 2:30 in the morning and it's still in the mid-nineties here.  I'm not totally regretting moving back to the desert; I knew what I was getting into.  But, come on already! Enough is enough of this.  I'd blame global warming if it weren't for the fact that the rest of the country is NOT experiencing such a heat wave.  Again, I will blame Mr. Murphy and his stupid law for this one.  If only I knew who he really was and were alive today, I'd have some choice words for him.  It's almost as if he's having fun watching me endure the insanity that is my life.  The dirty little bugger.

I really don't have much else to report... The kids were actually not too horribly behaved today, and I got quite a bit accomplished.  Maybe the meds are actually starting to work?  I won't hold my breath on that one.  I'd probably end up turning blue and passing out waiting.  So, I guess I shall make a valiant effort to force myself to sleep now.  I do have an appointment with the Beastmaster later this afternoon, and I really can't cancel again, or he's going to hunt me down and make me workout outside in the heat.  Because, apparently our heatwave isn't going away anytime soon.  Blech.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 69, O-dark-thirty; Yep, I'm just THAT stupid!

I fought the bull and the bull won.  A word to the wise...  Those who have never ridden a mechanical bull and think it will be fun... I have one word for you... BULLSHIT.  I'm not big into the swearing thing on my blog, but there is NO other word to describe it.  I joined this little competition for six bucks, to win five hundred.. easy win, you'd think.  Not so much though.  I managed to rip three of my nails off (and I don't mean break, I mean RIP) and still only managed to hang on for about five of the 8 required seconds to move onto the next round.  The saddest part?  I actually thought I'd do pretty good in that situation.  Silly me.  Now my feet hurt, my fingers hurt, and I am very seriously doubting I have enough gumption to go to the gym at 3 pm today.... HAHAHAHA.... Doubt that's gonna happen.  But I'll make a weak attempt to do so.

Still trying to figure out why my toesies are having issues... can't be the shoes.  I was was wearing comfy flip-flops and you can't wear shoes when you're buckin' the bronc, but nonetheless, my hands, feet and hips hurt and I'm gonna whine until my heart's content; because I'm good at it.  That shouldn't be a problem, but apparently, Murphy's Law still rules my life.  Just thought I'd share my bullsh*# story with you.... Now, get back to bed!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 68, I think I might be melting....

I blame my erratic posting on this horrible heat.  I'm impatiently waiting for fall to arrive so I can begin to enjoy 80 degree weather again.  I have never been a fan of the triple digit temps here in the desert, but it seems as though my tolerance has gotten even worse.  A few weeks ago, I thought I was beginning to acclimate myself to the unjust heat here, as I was becoming a more productive person. Alas, I have been proven wrong yet again.  Thank goodness I have a lot of refrigerators, maybe I'll make a new home out of them so I can stay cool.  Plus, I'll conveniently have snacks and drinks within reach.  Hmm, insane as it is, not a bad thought in theory.  Having to use the restroom would present a complication.  Oh well, scratch that thought. 

I have been on sabbatical from my twice weekly visits with the beastmaster at the gym, so I'm pretty certain that tomorrow I'm going to feel his wrath.  At least I won't go in there already achy and sore.  I don't even know which muscle groups we're going to work on, so that makes my fear that much greater.  Will I be unable to sit?  Unable to stand?  Unable to count to ten?  Either way, I'll be returning home in sheer pain; that much I can guarantee.

I have temporarily placed myself in time-out, in order to avoid having to replace my children.  The last few days have been a riot.  And by riot, I don't mean funny.  I mean call in the National Guard riot.  Who knew that an eleven year old could fight so much with a four year old.... and still lose?!?!?  This is when I send my good thoughts and thanks to my shrink; for without his medication, I might be curled up in a ball in a hidden corner in my house somewhere talking to the nice little pink and purple polka-dotted penguins that live with me.   If there is one thing I have learned so far in my journey to find normal, it's that sanity breaks are mandatory.  No matter what it takes to get one, it needs to be gotten.  Sometimes, the only sanity breaks I get are locked in my bathroom for a few minutes longer than required, and sometimes it's timeouts like these... Having the kids in separate rooms watching TV and me outside, braving the heat and watching my skin melt before my eyes. 

Last week was one mess after another, or should I say, one hoop to be jumped through after another.  I was supposed to be at my folks' in Colorado on vacation, but as things often do, situations arose that made it nearly impossible and completely un-vacationlike, so I chose to abstain from the trip, which at this point I'm not sure was the right thing to do, but I'm sticking with it.  But, now that I think about it, it probably was the best thing.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have enjoyed my time with the family as much as I should have.

Well, I guess my time-out is over... Time to get back to mommy duties and cleaning.  Maybe I'll have some funny stories for you later.  I certainly HOPE I do anyway!

Friday, July 2, 2010

I pity the fool... And the fool is me...

OK, so I was rehashing my past posts and somehow now remember making a promise not to use this as a forum to complain or be pitiful.  Well, I've decidedly renegged on that promise, and it's my blog, so shut up and color.  Only one and a half people read this thing anyway, so I'm sure that if it bothers them, then the remaining half; (that would be me, if you were wondering) would still keep reading.  I admit it.  I amuse myself when reading back on my abnormal moments.  The funny thing is, I keep having them.... I'm still searching for a little normal in my life, and starting to think it's just folklore, like bigfoot and the Lochness Monster.  Granted, I won't say for sure they aren't real, but I haven't seen them myself, if you get my drift.  Call me a 'Doubting Thomas' if you will, but normal just doesn't seem possible right now.

It's currently a balmy 115 degrees outside, and yes, I'm outside.  Ask me why?  I'm NOT normal.... I thought we just covered this.  Stop asking me such ridiculous questions.  Anyway, I'm really trying to get acclimated by spending as much time outside as possible, but I fear that this is an impossible mission, as I am currently experiencing light-headedness and loss of motor function...............................................oops, sorry... Finger got stuck on period key.

So, what was I saying? Oh yes, I remember now.  My efforts are futile, fighting the unseen face of the evil heat god.  My Lord, how do people work in this on a daily basis?  I'm sitting under shade with misters pouring down on me and it feels like the fifth circle of hell... My sweat is sweating.  If it weren't for bras, I would need a pry-bar to separate my saggage that's melted onto my ribcage.  If I don't lose weight here, especially now that I'm actually trying to, there is definitely something wrong here. 

My computer is now overheating, so I must bid you adieu, but I leave you with this one little note... Don, if you're out there and happen upon this blog, please know, I find you a fabulous trainer, and I really only blame myself for being so out of shape.  You do a wonderful job!  I just hate you a little... sometimes... tee-hee...

Day 59, I am schooled yet again...

So, remember the good old days when I could still at least twitch some of my muscles after a workout with my sticky-sweet personal trainer, that I call 'Satan's spawn'?  Neither do I.  I can't recall a single positive memory in my brain, thanks ever so much to what Don called, "muscle-breakdown."  Muscle breakdown would definitely be an appropriate description for what he's done to me.  Yesterday, we worked on shoulders, back, and upper arms.  And we really worked them.  Being a self-confessed upper body wimp, I did not take this well.  Don had found my weak spot with such joy and delight in his sadistic eyes, I thought he was going to dance around me sing-songing, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!!!"

I know in the past I've threatened my limbs falling out of their sockets and ripping from my body, but I didn't know the true pain associated with that until now.  For instance, this morning I got up to do my business, whistling a merry tune, that is, until I tried to pull my undies back on. Since when does this normal, multi-daily action hurt someone???  Since Don, the personal trainer from Hell, entered my life; that's when.  I only have movement from below my elbows, which allows me to still send my complaints of pain out into the blogosphere.  But, I must admit, I am making many more typing errors now.  So, if there's any I've missed after posting, too bad, I'm too whiny to fix them.

So, I think we've about come full circle, Don, the beastmaster and I.  He has officially broken every part of my body so far, only to start yet again on Monday. Yay me. Maybe it will get easier. I'm sure for most folks it would, but Don has promised me that when it does get easier, he gets meaner, tougher, and a whole lot pushier. Someone remind me why I signed up for this?  I thought it was to get in shape to feel better, not feel like I've just been run over by an Abrams tank.

I think I'll be off for a little water therapy at the pool today; provided I have the muscle capacity to steer the car straight....