4 Things they don't tell you about Phoenix in the summer

 Having recently moved back to Phoenix, I have found myself yet again attempting to acclimate to the desert heat. When I lived here the first time, ten or so years ago, I had an awful time adjusting. I avoided the outdoors completely during the summer months, and would only venture out when absolutely necessary. (Like when I ran out of sick days at work) I moved back here last June and knew what to expect. So I forced myself to stay outdoors until my sweat filled up the kiddie pool enough for the kids to swim in it. FYI, the average temp in Phoenix in the summer is roughly three thousand degrees. (It's actually 104, but that just doesn't drive the point home as well.)

Anyone who has ever been in Arizona during the summer months has heard that overused saying, "It's a DRY heat." And, if you're anything like me, when you hear this, you promptly feel the urge disembowel the speaker of this ridiculous statement. Yes, it's dry. It’s the fricking desert! But, that would be like saying, "Hey, that stab wound isn’t so bad, it was just a small knife!"...... "What’s that? It pierced your lung you say?"

So, I’ve compiled a quick list so you know what to expect.

4-Scorching sunburns.

So you probably could've figured that out on your own. But, there are still some morons out there who think they are impervious to the sun when they’re tubing down the cool water of the Salt River. Just because you’re feeling all fresh and breezy, don’t think for a hot minute that your skin isn’t going to turn into red leather, speckled with pink, watery blisters.

3-Swimming pools offer little relief.

Okay, so it’s hot; you're sweaty and unable to breathe. Hey, you can just jump in the water and cool off right? Maybe. If it's an Olympic size pool or one of a few lakes. If it's a backyard pool, chances are you're just taking a warm bath outside in the sun. Shallow backyard pools don't hold enough volume to keep the water at a cool temperature.  The sun and outdoor temperature wreak havoc on everything, including your pool. Throughout most of the summer, the average swimming pool water is near standard body temperature. If there is no breeze, you get no respite from the heat. And, now you're just wet AND hot which is only a good combination if you've just... Nevermind. You get the idea.  (Sorry Mom!)

2-Breathing is difficult.

I want you to try something. Grab your hair dryer and put it on full blast on high heat. Now shove it in your mouth. (No, don't do that. I really don't want to be sued) But, imagine how much fun it would be to breathe in and out while engulfed in flames. Then, triple that. That's how it feels to breathe when the outside temperature is over 110 degrees with ZERO humidity. Your throat gets dry and you start making those weird mouth movements that old folks make when they don’t have their teeth in.

1-You still sweat. Or, at least I hope you do.

Just because the air is dry, doesn't mean you don't sweat. No matter the humidity, your body produces sweat to keep your internal temperature at or near 98.6 degrees. As a matter of fact, if you indeed DON'T sweat you should put down that Pabst Blue Ribbon and seek medical attention, because your body temperature will rise to dizzying heights since you're lacking the sweat to keep you cool.  Dehydration is usually a buzz kill at barbeques. When the mercury shoots up and out of the thermometer, you basically have to quadruple your water intake because of this. For every Margarita you drink, you need eight gallons of water. Okay, I’m exaggerating. It’s four gallons.

So, if you’re still planning that Fourth of July trip to the Valley of the Sun, don’t say I didn’t warn you and your body.